We should not threaten to disown our kids in any case. The threat of disowning your kids is a form of emotional abuse, which is not a healthy way to communicate with them.
The threat of disowning your kids should be avoided at all costs. This sounds clear and direct but it is not convincing enough to stop some parents from ever resorting to a similar type of abuse. Sometimes parents get desperate or too tired or lazy to try to understand their kid’s perspective, communicate, find a middle ground or use logic; so it may seem tempting to just throw this threat out there and stop it all.
The article looks at the different factors that come into play in explaining and justifying why this type of threat should never be used.
What does it mean to even disown a child ?
The word “disown” is a loaded one, and it comes with a lot of emotional baggage. So, before we discuss whether we should threaten to disown our kids in any case, let’s talk about the definition of the word.
To disown a child means: “To refuse to give and instead withdraw love or support from someone.”. Also it means: “To refuse to recognise or acknowledge someone’s existence.” And in other words: “To refuse to have anything to do with someone.”
Now if your a parent that talks in this way, does “disowning” sound to you like something that should make a child hesitate even once to do whatever it is that they want to do ? If you’re someone who can easily cut all ties, support and love and move on without even looking behind, do you even sound like someone they should care about having in their life ?
Why they won’t lose much if you act on your threat:
Threatening to disown your children because of a disagreement is never a good idea. The fact that you are their parent is a fact of life, unfortunately for them. Yes, you can move on and act like you never gave birth to them, but sadly they cannot replace you as a parent or ever find someone that can hold your place.
And, because you use emotional abuse and psychological tactics to force them act in a specific way; it doesn’t sound that they will be losing much by removing your bad influence and strict authority from their life, anyway.
We should not threaten to disown our kids in any case. It is a sign of weakness and inability to solve problems by discussing them and staying on the topic rather than talking about parenthood.
When you talk about your link to your child in a toxic way in the middle of an off-topic problem, this already translates to them as a fact that you don’t like them, that you’re not a friend or ally but just a parent. A parent that also wishes if they were not one, sadly. If you want to gain your kids’ friendship, don’t ever ask to obtain their full submission.
Understand that they also have a mind of their own and a capacity to make life choices based on their wants and preferences. Threatening to disown a child will only make them feel insecure and unloved. It can be very damaging for the relationship between the parents and the child. Plus, it can also cause a lot of harm to the child’s self-esteem and sense of security.
How to communicate with your kids more efficiently:
The best way to communicate with your kids is by developing a friendship with them. You can start by spending time together and talking about what they like and dislike, what they are good at, etc. You can also talk about how you feel when they do something bad or when they make mistakes.
If you look like more of a friend and an ally in their eyes then a strict authority or dictator; they will be more willing to consider your opinions and to want to make you proud. It will help them form their own opinions and learn to understand the world around them.
Communication is a very important factor in developing a friendship. If you are not able to communicate with your child, it may be time to consider whether or not you should try harder and attempt different things, strategies and kinder ways to reach their heart first, before their mind.
In any case, using emotional abuse or mind games to gain something from your kid is not a good idea. It can backfire and make your child feel insecure, unsafe, lonely, misunderstood but the entire world, empty and unwanted.
It is important to be clear about what you want from your kid. You need to be able to explain why you are doing what you are doing calmly, in order for them to understand and accept it. Remember that: every child deserves a mother but not every mother deserves a child!
There are many ways that parents can communicate with their children without threatening to disown them. These include talking about how they feel about what their child has done, guiding them not to make mistakes in a kind and compassionate way, apologising for mistakes that were made, and explaining why certain behaviours are unacceptable.
If you want to develop a friendship with your kids, you need to be open-minded about everything that goes on in their life. You need to listen without judging them and try as much as possible not to interrupt them or assume that they’re immature, spoiled, unintelligent or any other negative personality trait.
When you do you will act stubborn and frustrated with the choices they make for no reason that looks valid enough. If they feel that you have this idea of them, they will be more encouraged to act on whatever it is you’re worrying about!