How to confront a cheater in 6 smart steps

confront a cheater

Finding out your significant other is cheating can be heartbreaking and enraging. Especially, if you thought your relationship was going well! If confrontation is the first thing on your mind, you need to be smart about it. 

There’s a difference between sensing that they’re cheating on you and knowing it for sure. That difference is evidence and facts. So, before you do anything, you need to make sure that you know for a fact they’ve done it and you need to prepare yourself properly for this determinant confrontation. The following steps will help!

6 Smart Steps to Confront a Cheater:

1. Check-in With Yourself:

Whether you think it has value or not, we all have intuition. If you feel there’s something wrong in your relationship, you need to check in with yourself. Why are you feeling that way? Try to put a finger on what your subconscious is telling you. 

Your gut feeling is an alert. When you get it, you need to think about recent events, conversations, things you’ve seen or heard that seem suspicious, etc. In other words, you need to analyze all the points and see if they connect. 

If they do, you need to follow that connection and see where it leads and where it stems from. Worst case scenario is if it leads to evidence that you can use when you’re ready to confront your partner. In the best-case scenario, it will show you there’s nothing to worry about.

2. Gather the Evidence:

If following your intuition led you to evidence, you need to hold onto it. Confronting a cheater without proof is risky. If they’re not cheating, they will know you don’t trust them, which is an issue on its own. 

If they are cheating, your lack of proof will give them the chance to gaslight you and cover their tracks. Check out our article on how to deal with someone that is gaslighting you, if that becomes your case. Either way, you need something to confront them with. 

It could be a text, an email, eyewitness accounts from someone you trust, or irrefutable evidence such as jewelry that’s not yours, panties, etc. This evidence will allow you to ask questions they can’t lie their way through. Even if they do, you’ll know better.

3. Decide what you want, before confronting them:

Before you confront your partner, you need to determine what you want out of the conversation, if not the entire relationship. Think long and hard about this one. Are you willing to work through it and stay together, in the end, and if they show regret? Or do you just want to say your piece and break up with them?

Your feelings are valid either way, so whatever you want to do is okay. If you want to stay with them, what steps should be taken to mend the relationship?

If you want to break up, consider the factors. Are you married with children? If so, who will tell them? Will you share custody? If you’re just living together, who moves out? Are there any pets? Are your finances tied?  

4. Stay Calm:

This might just be the hardest step to follow, but it’s the smartest one. Being cheated on is awful. You can check this article on how cheated on changes you as a person to know what to expect and how to deal with the changes, avoid them or work on not letting it affect you much.

It makes you upset, angry, sad, disgusted, and more, all at once. So, your first instinct might be to scream in their face. However, that’s not the best way to go about it. Not only do you want to be the bigger person, but you also want to speak clearly and allow them to respond.

Being emotional makes it easier for manipulators to turn things around and for cheaters to dismiss you as “crazy”. Don’t give them the satisfaction; stay calm, stay cool.

5. Be neutral:

Confronting your cheater should be less about pointing fingers at each other and more about laying out the facts you’ve gathered. It’s also about hearing what they have to say and deciding what you want to do going forward. 

To that effect, you need to be as neutral as you can. Keeping yourself under control will allow your partner to do the same. It will enable you to understand and get your questions answered.

That will give way to an honest and amicable conversation. Otherwise, the situation will be too chaotic to resolve or understand anything, let alone reach a final common agreement. At the end of the day, a resolution is what you’re after, whether that means you stay together or not. 

6. Pick a Good Location and the Right Time:

Confronting a cheater in public is not smart. It’s never a good idea to air out your dirty laundry in front of everyone. You could end up on social media or become a clown for the entire planet, once someone decides to film the interaction. Even if you’re not the one in the wrong, it’s not the best way to go about it. 

You should pick a location that’s neutral so neither of you feels unsafe or at a disadvantage. Also, it should be quiet, calm, free of interruptions, and private so you won’t be overheard by others. 

Additionally, you need to pick a good time to have this conversation, uninterrupted. It’s a heavy subject, so you shouldn’t be in a hurry to get through it. Make sure you both take the time to talk things through for as long as necessary!

Conclusion:

Confronting a cheater is not easy, but it’s better than the alternative. You deserve better than being cheated on and lied to, at the same time.

So, get ready with these steps and go get the resolution you deserve. 

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