It’s natural to feel a little jealous when your husband defends another woman. But, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he is cheating on you, is fond of her, or prefers her to you. He might just be trying to defend someone because they’re in a difficult situation or being unreasonably and unjustly cornered and targeted.
Either way, it can be quite upsetting and even suspicious when your partner goes out of their way to defend someone you’d think is unimportant or irrelevant. Especially, if he’s defending this woman from you in a private argument the two of you are having, or even if he’s defending this person publicly from others.
In any case, it’s totally normal for you to perceive his behavior as a red flag or threat to your marriage. So how can you cope with that and what to do in this type of situation to navigate it safely, with no drama, and move on?
Steps to take when your husband defends another woman:
1- Give him the benefit of the doubt:
Ask your husband why he defended that person and if he has anything to hide. If he says he doesn’t and genuinely only did it out of courtesy and for justice, you should give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that his intentions were good.
Unless you have substantial proof to think that there’s more to it, you have to come to terms with the fact that your husband just defended someone. He didn’t commit a crime. In fact, you too are entitled to have your own opinions of others and defend anyone that you deem worthy of it.
2- Talk about your expectations of him:
It is a natural instinct to want to protect our partners first and defend them instead from any accusations or any third party’s harm then worry about others that might need this type of help. So ask your husband why he didn’t take your side if this was an argument between you and him, where he defended that person instead of supporting your position.
Ask him about his motives to try to defend someone else in front of you, knowing very well how much that would upset you. It is important that you remind him that you’re not the villain and why you have a specific bad opinion of anyone. Explain to him that if you tell him your reasons for not liking someone so much, he should try and understand them and show support or discuss them until he understands them rather than jumping to that person’s defense.
If you can do all this calmly and in a kind manner, it will be great. You can also remind him of his role as your significant other and how much it matters to you to be close and even best friends with your partner. So explain why you insist on justifying your opinions to him and how he should also make an effort to understand before judging you or defending others from you.
3- Accept that you’re wrong if you are:
It can be hard for us as humans to accept that we are capable of unintentional wrongdoing, but this should not stop us from accepting reality. If you feel like your partner is right to defend another woman from your rudeness in private when you two are talking about her, then take accountability for your actions.
If you decide to be just, fair and sincere you’d accept if you have done something wrong to someone even in their absence or if you spoke badly about them for no reason. Clearly, your husband would love seeing good values and a perfect irreproachable character in you as his partner.
So saying that you understand his reaction and that you took it too far might do wonders and fix everything between the two of you. So it is important that you confront yourself about your behavior, be held accountable, and change your ways.
4- Calmly explain how it made you feel:
It’s normal to feel jealous when your significant other defends someone else. What matters is to clarify how you felt hurt and heartbroken to your husband as he proceeded to defend another woman. You shouldn’t hold back and go into details about how it made you feel and how it looks like he has put someone on top of you.
Do not make these remarks in an aggressive voice or with threatening body language, to avoid a fight or argument. Instead, do it from a vulnerable position and be noticeably hurt and sad. Explain to your husband calmly that it is your right to get jealous, especially if he gives you reasons to be it.
Also, don’t miss out on your chance to remind him of how you never make him jealous on purpose or give him any reason to be it. And, that’s because you make it known that your loyalty is to him and you always have his best interest at heart first, even if it means offending others a little along the way.
You can also check this article on your husband’s duties and responsibilities towards you so that you’re better informed about what to expect from him.