Why your spouse refuses to try your love language

love language

The idea of “love languages” is not new. It has been around for quite some time now, and it’s still very popular in today’s world. What is a love language?

A love language is a way that individuals express their feelings of affection, intimacy, and commitment to each other. We all have different personalities, upbringings, and life events we went through which all impact how we will act and how we will express our love for others.

All in all, there are five different forms of love languages; words of affirmation (compliments, praising, etc.), acts of service (making you breakfast, washing the dishes so you don’t have to, etc), offering gifts, spending quality time (traveling together, going on dates, pushing for doing activities together), and physical touch (showing physical affection).

So maybe you assessed the love language of your partner, decided you don’t like it much or that it’s not good enough, and asked them to try yours. However, you’re noticing that they’re reluctant to take action, try your love language, and would rather be left alone. So why is that?

There are 5 types of love languages:

There are five love languages that people use to communicate their feelings with their partners. These languages are:

1. Acts of service: do something for your partner, like cooking or cleaning up.

2. Quality time: spend one-on-one time with your partner, and not to get physical.

3. Words of affirmation: tell your partner how much you appreciate them and how they make you feel.

4. Physical touch: this can be hand-holding, kissing, or cuddling.

5. Gifts: give your partner a gift that reflects what they mean to you.

5 reasons why your spouse refuses to try your love language:

1- They find it difficult to step out of their comfort zone:

Some people find it difficult to accept that their partner has a different love language than theirs, but if they do then they do! And, no amount of pressure and pestering them to change will help. In fact, they might want to please you and agree to try your love language, but by doing so they will be stepping out of their comfort zone.

This can backfire if your spouse doesn’t know how to imitate your love language. They can be left feeling heartbroken, not good enough, insecure, and miserable. That’s why you need to be understanding and gentle.

But, most importantly you need to understand that you’d be asking them to go against their nature and outside of their comfort zone. So be patient, consistent, and kind in guiding and reminding them.

2- They didn’t choose their love language:

Many people think that their spouse’s love language is the same as their own. However, they will discover over time that they might be wrong.

For instance, just because your partner is not physical or affectionate doesn’t mean they love you less. Maybe they’re just different from you at expressing their emotions and love for someone. This is why it is important to understand your spouse’s love language properly and even dig in their past and see if there’s an explanation as to why that might be.

For example, someone who was raised in a family that doesn’t hug much, show physical affection or kiss might find it unnatural to start being too affectionate with their partner. Just because their partner asked doesn’t mean they’d be able to switch a button and become the most affectionate person ever.

They may find it extremely unfamiliar, unusual, and hard to go out of their way and show you affection all the time without reminders. They’re not used to it, and if you ask us: it’s understandable!

3- They cannot change their identity overnight:

To ask your partner or spouse to change their identity might be a little too much to ask for. In the end, you fell in love with them as they are. If their love language is such a deal-breaker then why are you only seeing that now?

When we say it’s their identity, we mean that they have been the same for so long that it’s hard for them to change. In all their relationships before you, they were a specific way. Yes, it doesn’t do any harm to try and open their eyes to new ways of living and new things. They might become grateful and grow into it or learn to love it too.

However, be more understanding and patient when trying to make them change. Forcing them and not understanding why they might be hesitant or reluctant will only backfire and cause issues in your relationship. Acting so angry and frustrated over the fact that they’re incapable of trying your love language might send out the wrong message.

It will probably make your spouse think that you don’t like them as they are. They might feel that you have a problem with who they are and with some things that are at the core of their identity, and character, and that might be unchangeable.

4- Your love language cannot become an alternative to theirs, overnight:

Obviously, your partner’s love language is their only way of expressing and feeling love and intense emotions. It has been for years, if not decades, and you cannot ask them to change that overnight.

They might try your love language but this doesn’t mean that they will be able to feel satisfied, content, and pleased. They will feel something is still missing, even after having tried your love language, especially at the start. Trying your love language is good and all but it will not compensate for their own. So don’t expect them to use your love language instead of theirs, naturally and often from day 1.

For them, your love language is not a substitute for theirs and it may never be. For them, your love language is barely something they do to please you. It doesn’t come naturally to them nor does it do much for them when it comes to expressing how they feel. So be patient, persistent, and remind them gently.

You can also check our article on why your partner does nothing special for you here. Or, check this one out on why you should refuse the bare minimum in relationships.

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