When you’re in a relationship, you expect your partner to have your back, no matter what. So it can be incredibly confusing and hurtful when your partner doesn’t defend you; whether it’s to their family, friends, or even strangers.

It can make you feel like you’re not important to them, or that they don’t care about you. If your partner regularly fails to defend you in different situations or even regarding the same topic, it’s probably time to take serious action to change this by following the 5 steps below.

5 steps to follow when your partner doesn’t defend you:

1- Have a serious chat:

It can be hurtful when your partner doesn’t defend you, especially if you feel like you’re always the one sticking up for them. If this is something that’s been bothering you, it’s important to have a serious chat with your partner about it.

Try to explain how you feel and why you think it’s important for them to have your back. Be honest and open about your feelings, and explain why their lack of defense has hurt you. If they’re truly sorry, they’ll be understanding and will work to make things right.

However, if they’re not willing to listen to your concerns or make an effort to change their behavior, it may be time to reconsider the relationship. Being in a partnership should make you feel supported, not alienated and alone.

2- Understand their motives:

It can be devastating when your partner doesn’t defend you, especially if you feel like you were in the right. It’s important to understand their motives before you jump to conclusions.

Maybe they think you’re actually wrong. It’s true that even then, they should not choose to embarrass you publicly, as your partner, but instead discuss the matter in private. So did they do this or did they choose the horrible way to deal with this in front of others? If so maybe there’s a different reason for their behavior?

All in all, it’s possible that there’s a reason why your partner didn’t defend you, and it’s worth finding out. Maybe they didn’t realize how important it was to you, or maybe they were worried about making the situation worse and acted without thinking. Or it could be worse if, for instance, their reason behind not defending you was that they were siding with someone else against you.

In this case, perhaps they could understand the other person’s point of view better than yours. And this is obviously a million times worse as you would’ve witnessed not only having your partner not defend you but also watching them defend someone else. There are things you can do, not to completely look like a fool if you ever happen to witness your husband defending another woman. But, let’s hope that never happens!

Either way, it’s important to talk to your partner about why they didn’t defend you and see if there’s a way to resolve the issue. See if you’re happy and content with their justification or if it just hurts you more and gives you more reasons to feel betrayed. If they’re not willing to talk about their motives, then maybe it’s time to rethink their role in your life.

3- Discuss your expectations of one another:

Another thing you can do when your partner doesn’t defend you is to discuss your expectations. It’s important to communicate your wants and needs in a relationship, and this includes feeling supported by your partner.

If you feel like your partner isn’t defending you, sit down with them and talk about why that is, as recommended earlier. But, talk about your expectations of them too and whether they align with theirs.

Before you start to panic, it’s important to see if you’re on the same page and have the same expectations and idea of what a significant other’s role should be. What do you want them to do? Do you want them to always have your back, no matter what? Or do you just want them to be supportive when you’re going through a tough time?

Are you expecting them to fight your battles for you? Or do you simply need them to be a sounding board for you? Once they know what you’re looking for, you can talk to your partner about it. Explain how their inaction made you feel and how it clashed with your expectations of them, and ask them if they’re willing to meet your needs.

If they’re not willing to commit to defending you, that’s OK. But at least you’ll know where they stand, and you can decide if that’s something you can live with.

You’ll likely have a better understanding of where your partner is coming from, by the end of this talk anyway. And if they’re still not meeting your needs, it may be time to think about a more extreme solution.

4- Get external help:

If you’re in a relationship and this is not a one-time issue but you feel like your partner never has your back, then it can be tough. You might feel like they’re constantly defending and taking the other person’s side instead of yours. If this is something that’s really bothering you and that has become a big problem in your relationship, then it might be worth considering couple’s therapy.

So if you’re not able to resolve the issue between yourselves, try to seek couples therapy or counseling. Defending each other is an important part of being in a relationship, and if your partner isn’t able or willing to do that, it might be a sign that the relationship isn’t right for either of you.

With the help of a professional, you and your partner can talk about what’s going on and see if there’s anything you can do to fix things. If not, counseling can still be beneficial in helping your partner to realize that being on the same team matters a lot, when it comes to relationships.

5- Learn to trust each other again:

One final thing you can do after your partner didn’t defend you on one occasion or more, is to learn to trust each other again. It takes time and understanding to overcome this type of situation, but it is possible.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship, and once it’s been broken, it can be difficult to repair. However, if you both take the time to learn from your mistakes and rebuild that trust, you can give your relationship a second chance.

In the end, it’s up to you whether or not you’re willing to forgive and move on. But if you want to make things work, it’s essential to learn to trust each other again. Many people would say that having their partner not defend them is a deal-breaker or something they cannot forgive in a relationship, so think carefully and decide whether it’s something you want to tolerate.